Slytherin The Musical
by Thomas Riddle
Summary: The most reviled house gets a humanistic treatment in this filking of Sondheim's musical "Assassins." Forget Gryffindor, the dark side needs sympathy!
1. Everybody's Got the Wand

Everybody's got the Wand

To the tune of "Everybody's got the Right" from Assassins.

SALAZAR SLYTHERIN is sitting next to a restaurant in Knockturne alley. He has a bunch of wands sitting next to him and is watching the passers by. Among them is LUCIUS MALFOY, who is dragging his son and looks very annoyed. SALAZAR stands up and beckons to him.

SALAZAR  
Hey, pal

Feeling pissed?

That kid won't desist?

Hey, pal,

I insist...

That you come kill a muggle-born!

MALFOY turns around, intrigued by these last words. SALAZAR continues.

SALAZAR  
Think Fudge is a pill?  
Mudbloods passing bills?  
Their blood you should spill!

You wanna kill a muggle-born?

Come here and kill a muggle-born!

They say  
Pure blood's in the past, sir.

AK  
Can destroy those stupid bastards!

MALFOY (spoken)  
Whadda ya mean?  
  
SALAZAR (spoken, pulls out a wand)  
Use this. 17 inches, unicorn hair, good for curses.  
  
MALFOY (spoken)  
Alright, I'll buy it. (pays SALAZAR for the wand)  
  
CROUCH JR. enters. SALAZAR calls him over too.  
  
SALAZAR  
Hey, kid,  
What's the prob?  
Daddy  
Being a snob?

Make him  
Lose his job!  
If you can kill a muggle-born...  
You'll clean up our race  
And cause great disgrace.  
Dad'll be replaced  
You'll cause great disgrace!  
  
Everybody's got the wand  
To cause havoc  
As you see, it's rather easy to tell  
That if you just use your head  
You can zap those muggles dead.  
Everybody's got the wand to wreak hell!

PETTIGREW enters, looking sheepishly around.

SALAZAR  
Hey, buddy  
Feeling overshadowed  
Think you've got it bad? No-

Body thinks you're cool?  
Hey, buddy  
Feel like you're a fool?  
Come here and kill a muggleborn!  
  
PETTIGREW (spoken)  
Yes, sir!  
  
UMBRIDGE enters, looking highly pissed.

UMBRIDGE (spoken)  
Friggin' Potter!  
  
SALAZAR  
What's the problem?

Is your temper blazing?  
Kids driving you crazy?  
This'll repay all their scorn.  
(gives her a wand)  
Here, make them wish they weren't born!

Everybody's got the wand

To get power!

Even if it comes from the darkest spells!

Make a splash and cause some strife!  
Take control and take a life!  
Everybody's got the wand to wreak hell!

BELLATRIX enters and crosses to SALAZAR.

SALAZAR  
M'lady...

Shopping for some stuff?  
The clothing store is that way...  
(BELLATRIX reaches for one of the wands)  
No, lady  
This can get too rough.  
(She gives him money)  
Okay, you want some pain, go ahead!

NARCISSA MALFOY now steps up and SALAZAR looks highly unimpressed.

SALAZAR  
Jeez, honey

I don't sell to blondes.  
Your husband has been by here.  
(NARCISSA picks up a wand and points it at him)  
Please, honey  
You can hurt someone with that wand!

(NARCISSA leaves and slowly the music changes as LORD VOLDEMORT enters and approaches SALAZAR)

SALAZAR  
Lookout, everyone!  
It's my great grandson!  
(Hands VOLDEMORT a wand)

Here, kid.  
Kill, don't stun!  
  
VOLDEMORT  
Everybody's got the wand  
To cause havoc!

Become great,  
Don't let your hatred be quelled!  
Muggle-borns will not be missed,  
Kill them and all who resist!  
Everybody's got the wand to wreak hell!

Be bloody!  
  
SALAZAR  
Cause them horrible pain!  
  
VOLDEMORT  
Get more power!  
  
SALAZAR  
Make 'em cower!  
  
BOTH  
Be bloody!

VOLDEMORT

Get the muggle-borns praying!  
  
SALAZAR  
Laugh and glower!  
  
VOLDEMORT  
Pluck 'em like a flower!

BOTH  
Be bloody!  
  
VOLDEMORT  
Don't leave muggles in peace!  
  
SALAZAR  
At least  
Make their children's lives cease!  
  
ALL  
Everybody's got the wand  
To cast curses! Everybody!  
Not AK, but something equally fell! (Equally fell!)  
When wizards muggles have spawned  
Send them to the great beyond!  
Everybody's got the wand to wreak hell!  
Everybody's got the wand to wreak hell!


	2. The Ballad of Riddle

The Ballad of Riddle

To the tune of "Ballad of Booth" from Assassins.

The Scene is dark. As lights come up, they reveal DUMBLEDORE sitting in his office, reminiscing about the past.

DUMBLEDORE  
Sad how some are evil  
Sad how some go bad  
Every now and then this school is  
Home to one who's mad.  
Every now and then a villain is a Hogwarts grad.  
Doesn't stop the story  
Story's pretty sad.  
How our best went mad...

Tom Riddle was a handsome child  
Poorer than the poorest of church mice.  
His mind was brilliant, his manners mild.  
Everybody thought him nice.

What were you thinking, Tommy

Guess we'll never know...  
Dark folks thought you were scum  
Why'd you become

The Light side's greatest foe?

Great things were in your very palm  
You left them all misused  
You gave it up and for what, Tom

Revenge for being abused.

Tom threw himself into his studies  
Smarter than the rest with muggle roots  
He had more books than he had buddies  
Got straight O's on all his NEWTs!

What made you lose it, Tommy?  
Knowing what you knew?

Purebloods all scorned your skill  
That is until  
They learned your will  
To rape and kill  
And become You-know-who!

Your housemates couldn't shake your calm  
Their baiting you refused  
Are you a light forsaker, Tom  
Because of their abuse?

(Flashback to a scene in the halls. Young TOM RIDDLE is lying there, bruised, with a crowd of Gryffindors surrounding him. One of them spits on him and they leave.)  
  
TOM (spoken)  
I'll make them pay, the lousy lot of them. What have those filthy little muggle prodigy ever done for me? Nothing! What have they done to me? Hmm...Firstly..  
  
DUMBLEDORE

Your patience was exhausted, Tom.  
  
TOM (spoken)  
My father left me...because my mother...my MOTHER was a witch! Secondly...  
  
DUMBLEDORE  
I should have seen the clues...

TOM (spoken)  
Secondly, those muggles who ran the orphanage, they beat me! Beat me like an animal! For being who I am! Thirdly...  
  
DUMBLEDORE  
I should've known you'd lost it, Tom...

TOM (spoken)  
Thirdly...  
  
DUMBLEDORE  
Because you'd been so ruthlessly abused...  
  
TOM (shouted)  
THEY'LL PAY! I'll open that chamber and kill them all! I'll live forever! But how? (suddenly pulls a small black diary out of his book bag and begins writing in it) Dear Diary...  
  
DUMBLEDORE  
He said "Damn you, Muggles  
You caused me pain!"

TOM (sung)  
Tell it all!  
  
DUMBLEDORE  
You left all feelings but hatred drained!  
  
TOM  
Tell 'em, tell 'em, tell 'em what they've done!  
  
DUMBLEDORE

He said "Damn you, Muggles,  
My robes I'll stain  
With blood from your bodies when you're slain!  
He said..."  
  
TOM  
Hate my life  
Fear my name!  
Throw at me your grief and blame!  
What I'll do is kill the scum who made me suffer!  
They will learn their mistake  
When their hearts and souls I break  
I will open up the chamber  
Yes, my great ancestor's chamber.

DUMBLEDORE  
He said...  
  
BOTH  
Damn you, Muggles, you brainless twats!  
  
TOM  
Sing it, sing it! Let 'em hear it, sing!  
  
BOTH  
I'll have you quaking, sad and distraught!  
  
TOM  
Tell 'em, tell 'em, tell 'em till they listen!

BOTH  
Now rot!  
  
TOM  
Tell 'em, tell 'em ,tell 'em how it happened  
How they treated me like I was cattle  
How they laughed when I screamed for aid  
Tell them how our race is now black and impure

How us being the same's prattle  
How the wizards are far, far more great!  
But they're black and impure.

How the Slytherins all live like dirt  
How in our pain they revel  
How we're all mean and curt  
'Cause we always are hurt!

How mere students are treated like devils  
By those filthy

(voice starts to go high and cold)

Mudblood loving  
Other houses,

(Voice now fully high and cold)  
ALWAYS!  
Always...

Always...

Always...

No, our race is now black and impure...

(Reverting to normal voice)

Curse my name  
I don't care  
Not one of you  
Will be spared.  
You shall burn in hell's own circle for usurpers!  
Let them call me the worst  
They might have spared themselves this curse  
Had they not  
Been averse  
To a frightened male halfblood.

They will moan "If we knew then,  
We'd have treated him as human!"

They'll see how they're black and impure!

(The Diary glows with an unearthly light and we return to DUMBLEDORE's study.)  
  
DUMBLEDORE  
Tom Riddle was a vengeful person  
Wouldn't let his need for vengeance end.

He was ill-treated and it worsened...  
What he needed was a friend.

Everyone knows his new name  
Riddle, they forget.  
He killed so horribly

That we all see  
His cruelty.  
To think that he  
Thought there would be regrets!  
The ones who hurt him hate him more

His critics know they're right  
Because he caused this second war  
His bullies now are fighting the good fight!

Damn you, Riddle  
You think import  
Is given to bullies of your sort?  
Lots of bullies are in your court  
They follow Voldemort!

That's the awful story  
Why the Dark Lord rose...

He thinks he did what he did  
Because life dealt him blows.  
Now he causes horrid pain as  
His support base grows.  
Peace is gone.  
And for that...

Damn you, Tom!


	3. How Potter Stopped Her Plan

How Potter stopped her Plan

To the tune of "How I saved Roosevelt" from Assassins.

UMBRIDGE is sitting at a Wizengamot hearing with MRS. FIGG, the WEASLEY twins and several other important anti-Umbridge figures standing around her chair. The Judge points at MRS. FIGG first, to indicate that she should give her testimony.

MRS. FIGG  
I'm sitting outside and I hear this crack

It all goes black

My cat came back  
He mewed at me  
I said "what's happened here, paws?"

"Oh dear, Paws!"

I ask "what's up my sweet?"  
He ran off, his feet fleet.  
I saw some dementors  
Right there on the street!  
But young Potter's patronus gave them their defeat.

Which is how Potter stopped her plan!

WEASLEYS  
Then...

When Hogwarts was hers, we hated this snot  
She never taught  
We just read rot.  
She said "Potter's lying"  
He said "you crackpot,  
I can prove it!"  
Which is how Potter stopped her—

SNAPE

I've said I hope Potter drives home in a hearse

But any fool could see that Umbridge was worse  
So I helped them treat her in ways quite averse!  
Which Is how I stopped all her plans!

ALL THREE  
Lucky he/I was there!  
  
MRS. FIGG  
He caused the Dementors all to flee!  
  
WEASLEYS/SNAPE  
That's why Umbridge lost her sanity!

ALL THREE  
Just lucky he/I was there!  
Lest Dumbledore lost more of his OTP!

UMBRIDGE  
You think I told lies?  
No lies!  
Think my squad was spies?

Not spies!  
I look at that school...  
All scum!  
Them I  
Despise!  
When I was a girl, no friends  
The teachers all think me dumb

They all made me sink so low  
I felt so glum!  
  
Ever since then because of them  
I hated children who are well liked  
Which is the reason I wanted to make Potter lose his fame  
First I thought I would send Dementors  
I'd get his soul in a package  
Only he can cast Patronuses  
Dementors hate Patronuses  
Dementors cannot fight Patronuses!

But I figured I'd get him expelled instead!  
NO CHANCE!  
He got off!  
Told Fudge to sod off!  
Dumble blew us away!

Dumbledore, Potter  
They're all bloody popular!  
You think I care if it's true?  
I don't care if it's true

Long as they pay!

TRELAWNEY (now entering)  
This stupid bitch said I was off my head  
Because I said  
Potter'd be dead.

She fired me and got a centaur instead

Beware, Umbridge!  
  
MCGONAGALL

Rubbish!

She just sat there and preached  
Had no clue how to teach

TRELAWNEY  
She means Umbridge!  
  
MCGONAGALL  
This "headmistress" of ours would have soon been impeached!

She sucked life from this school like a ministry leech!

MCGONAGALL and TRELAWNEY

Lucky we were there

MCGONAGALL  
This woman was so incompetent!  
  
TRELAWNEY  
She dared to tell me to go get bent!

MCGONAGALL and TRELAWNEY  
Just lucky we were there!

SNAPE  
To think if I'd let her question Potter!

WEASLEYS  
We saw right away she was bad news!  
She was fat and ugly, vital clues!

MRS. FIGG  
She almost had Potter kissed and slaughtered!

SNAPE  
This shows how she lost it under duress!  
Too much bloody stress

Yes,  
It gets you depressed!

MCGONAGALL  
A closet death eater, that's my guess.

UMBRIDGE  
NO!  
  
MCGONAGALL  
And weren't her policies stupid--  
  
UMBRIDGE  
NO DEATH!  
You think I ate death?  
Not dark!

Not Light!  
Not any side!

I'm with the Ministry!  
The ministry's my team!

No friends  
No beau  
I'm not all that smart  
No clue!  
But I'm not with You-know-who!  
I'm just with the Ministry!  
The Ministry's my team!

And why is there no sympathy?  
With the fat girl there's no sympathy!  
Only rebels get any damn sympathy!  
No fair!

OTHERS  
Lucky we were there...

UMBRIDGE  
Them I  
Despise!

Screw off!  
  
OTHERS  
We think we have shown her properly  
That she screwed things up quite royally!

Just lucky we were there...

UMBRIDGE

And soon I'll lose my job!

OTHERS  
Because Dumbledore...

UMBRIDGE  
Damn fool!  
  
OTHERS  
Might have lost more...

UMBRIDGE  
HALF BREEDS!  
YOU DUMB  
LYING SCUM!  
SHUSH!  
  
OTHERS  
Of his O...T...P!


	4. AK Song

AK Song

To the tune of "Gun Song" from Assassins.

MALFOY  
It takes a lot of hate to cast AK

Monstrous  
Morbid hate to cast AK

Hatred of mind to make their brain stop

Hatred of blood to make it cold

Hatred of self to make the green and

Turn the air all

Deadly cold.

It takes a lot of hate to cast AK.

AK....

VOLDEMORT  
And all you have to do is

Mutter two words quickly

But the strong and the sickly fall!

It'll take a life!

Why should you stay put and not say two words quickly

Not show how two words quickly can take a life!

PETTIGREW  
What a wonder is AK

Lets all the beggars be choosers

First, if you can cast AK  
No one thinks that you're a loser.

It's a violent, quick way

Which'll get rid of your foes!

Remove your betters

Break up a friendship

Orphan a child

Make all feel your inner pain!

It makes them listen

To what you have to say

One man is all you have to slay

That you are not a man to laugh about.

It works and...

ALL

All you have to do is hiss out two words quickly

Piss on law quite quickly too

By taking a life!

However they may hate,

Mate, use your two words quickly.

Just those two words quickly can

Take a life!

NARCISSA

My husband always casts the AK

It's got power

Makes you feel like you're a queen

Being wife to power

Anyway, it just shoots green

But it's AK

You can make a scene

Well with an AK!  
If you've got the strength to cast it

You know who you are

What you'll do

Makes you feel strong fast, it

Kill the weak

Works well when it's the weak you seek.

Once you've got it

It gets stomachs all knotted!  
It takes control!

ALL  
And all you have to do is spit those two words quickly

Grit your teeth and quickly snarl!

(Narcissa's wand goes off)  
  
NARCISSA (scared)  
Did I cast it?!

ALL  
You can take a life...(take a life)

Simply wish for pain and say those two words quickly

They will kill things quickly and

Make real life

Their worst dreams

That green gleam

Makes 'em scream!

It takes those two words quickly no time to..mmmm...

Take a life!

MALFOY

It takes a lot of hate to cast AK

Monstrous

Vicious hate to cast AK

Hatred of life of filthy mudbloods

Hatred of scum who all cause what?  
Interrace strife!

Mudbloods, muggles, the scum that make a family tainted!

So you have to use your hate to cast AK!

Just...A....K!


	5. The Ballad of Malfoy

The Ballad of Malfoy

To the tune of "The Ballad of Czolgosz" from Assassins.

SIRIUS  
Malfoy  
Quite wealthy  
Born into the lap of luxury

Totally proud of his family

So he joined the death eaters  
Killing muggles for Voldemort  
For Voldemort

Tortured and killed with a great panache  
Stayed out of jail with his galleon stash  
Nothing redeems you like cold hard cash

That was his creed  
In the wizard world  
Money gets the girl  
And whatever you need.

Malfoy

Vicious chap

Dealt all his house elves a vicious slap.

Thought non-purebloods should be seen as crap  
So he cast evil curses, wormed his way out of jail

And joined the death eaters killing muggles for Voldemort  
For Voldemort!

In court his enemies' hopes were dashed  
Said "I made muggle-borns feel the lash"

"But, the Imperius curse made me brash...  
And made them bleed!"  
In the wizard world  
Money got the girl  
And him off with great speed!

DE's  
Weren't that pleased

DE's

Called him a sleeze

DE's

Voldie agrees  
That Malfoy displeased

The DE's!

Malfoy

Slimy rat

On all bloodlines but his own he spat!  
Now, that blonde, stupid aristocrat  
Will not cast evil curses, worm his way out of jail  
Nor will he buy out the dementors  
Or escape the prison  
'Cause they know he's a death eater  
Killing muggles for Voldemort!  
For Voldemort!

Thought he was great, but he's snotty trash!

After the order and DE's clashed  
He was recaptured and his case rehashed  
He won't be freed.

For his evil, bloody, vicious, nasty deeds.

So much for greed!

In the wizard world  
When your hate's unfurled

Then your bank account could hold huge pearls  
But finance won't get freedom or girls;  
Not a thing that you need!  
Not a thing that you need!


End file.
